Script: The Two Towers
by rizzo
Summary: Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers ... um, okay, maybe not.


  
V.O.  
  
We know you've seen the first movie, so we don't have to tell you  
about that. However, Saruman's treachery has touched others, such as  
the horse lords of Rohan. Let's watch...  
  
  
[EDORAS - DAY - OUTSIDE - THEODRED'S FUNERAL]  
  
THEODEN  
  
Theodred, my son, my son.  
  
EOMER  
  
Sire, let me avenge your son. Let me hunt some orc.  
  
(THEODEN stares vacantly at EOMER)  
  
GRIMA  
  
(whispers to THEODEN) Shya, right.  
  
THEODEN  
  
Nope, sorry.  
  
EOMER  
  
You're not the boss of me old man, I'm going.  
  
EOWYN  
  
I wanna come too!  
  
(everyone but EOWYN laughs)  
  
  
[PLAINS OF ROHAN - DAY - OUTSIDE]  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Look, one of the brooches Galadriel gave us in the deleted scenes on  
the DVD!  
  
GIMLI  
  
That's right! I think I fell in love with her, too!  
  
(he holds the lock of her hair to his breast)  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
We're on the trail!  
  
GIMLI  
  
I can't run forever! I have stubby dwarf legs!  
  
  
[PLAINS OF ROHAN/OUTSKIRTS OF FANGORN - SUNSET - OUTSIDE]  
  
PIPPIN  
  
I'm hungry!  
  
MERRY  
  
I'm tired!  
  
PIPPIN  
  
Are we there yet?  
  
UGLUK  
  
Bet ant brrekfasst in Isengard, unnastan?  
  
(EOMER and company gallop onto the scene)  
  
EOMER  
  
Ro-Ro-Rohirrim ho!  
  
ORCS  
  
Aw, nuts.  
  
MERRY  
  
(to PIPPIN) Let's am-scray!  
  
  
[FANGORN FOREST - DAY - OUTSIDE]  
  
MERRY and PIPPIN  
  
Hey! Mr. tree! Don't step on us!  
  
TREEBEARD  
  
Hoom... Such interesting creatures. Want to come back to my place  
for a drink?  
  
MERRY and PIPPIN  
  
Uh... okay.  
  
  
[EMYN MUIL - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]  
  
(SAM is attacked by GOLLUM. SAM beats GOLLUM back with his frying pan)  
  
FRODO  
  
Sam! Leave him alone. Hey, Gollum, wanna come with? I've got the ring.  
  
GOLLUM  
  
Calls us Smeagol, dammit.  
  
  
[TREEBEARD'S PLACE - NIGHT - "INSIDE"]  
  
TREEBEARD  
  
...allala lumbar hom rumbatumbatoo walalalaaah. And that is how  
we say "yes". Well, one way we say "yes".  
  
PIPPIN  
  
(nudges MERRY awake)  
  
Er, yes. That's _really_ interesting, mr. tree.  
  
MERRY  
  
Crud, there's more of them coming.  
  
ENTS  
  
Hooooooooooooooooooom halala tralalaboomtië boomburumba hoooom...  
  
(MERRY and PIPPIN begin to weep)  
  
  
[PLAINS OF ROHAN - DAY - OUTSIDE]  
  
(ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are still running. GIMLI is comically out  
of breath. EOMER and company ride upon them)  
  
EOMER  
  
Ho there! You're not with Saruman are you? Or even worse, that witch  
Galadriel?  
  
GIMLI  
  
Witch? Why I oughta...  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Calm down, Gimli. (to EOMER) We're hunting orc!  
  
EOMER  
  
Really? Me too! Just caught some a ways back.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Did you happen to see any halflings with them?  
  
EOMER  
  
Nah, we just killed everything and burned the bodies. Not much time  
for looking.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Thanks... that's very... reassuring.  
  
EOMER  
  
No problem. Hey, you guys want some horses? I'm already in deep with  
the king, so I figure what the hey.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Thanks!  
  
  
[DEAD MARSHES - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]  
  
FRODO  
  
Gollum, I see dead people.  
  
GOLLUM  
  
Calls us Smeagol, dammit.  
  
SAM  
  
Please, Frodo, let me kill him.  
  
  
[FANGORN FOREST - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]  
  
GIMLI  
  
Look, it's Saruman!  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Run away!  
  
GANDALF  
  
No, you idiots, it's me, Gandalf!  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
I see you've done your laundry.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
You're alive! But how?  
  
GANDALF  
  
We fell for ages it seemed, plummeting through the inky darkness...  
  
GIMLI  
  
(rolls eyes) Here we go...  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Oh, hey, we've got to get these horses back to Theoden.  
  
GANDALF  
  
Theoden! I need to speak with him. I'll come with you and tell you on  
the way.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Oh great. I mean, great!  
  
  
[EDORAS - DAY - INSIDE]  
  
GRIMA  
  
(whining) Sire, don't listen to Gandalf. He's a big liar.  
  
GANDALF  
  
Nay Theoden-king, I beseech you, heed no more the venom of this worm's  
tongue!  
  
THEODEN  
  
I don't know who to believe anymore! Well, since I have no idea what  
Gandalf said, I guess I'll take his advice.  
  
GANDALF  
  
You heard him, hit the road ya bum.  
  
THEODEN  
  
Oh, so THAT's what you meant.  
  
GRIMA  
  
Sire!  
  
THEODEN  
  
Nope, sorry. My mind's been made up for me. Now scram before someone  
else changes it.  
  
GRIMA  
  
(leaving) You haven't seen the last of me, old man!  
  
THEODEN  
  
Well, I suppose I'll let Eomer go as well. And maybe I'll make him my  
heir while I'm at it... Anyway, let's all go hunt some orc!  
  
(the ROHIRRIM cheer)  
  
EOWYN  
  
I wanna come too!  
  
(everyone but EOWYN laughs)  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Cheer up, little lady.  
  
EOWYN  
  
I love you.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. I'm already spoken for...  
  
(he indicates the Ring of Barahir as a wedding band)  
  
EOWYN  
  
Everything makes me sad.  
  
  
[ENTMOOT - DAY - OUTSIDE]  
  
TREEBEARD  
  
Wake up young hobbits! The ents have decided to march on Isengard!  
It's payback time...  
  
PIPPIN  
  
Where's Isengard?  
  
MERRY  
  
It's where Saruman lives, you tuber.  
  
PIPPIN  
  
Who- (realisation dawns) Oh, I'm sorry mr. tree, we have a very  
important... party... to attend...  
  
MERRY  
  
It's not going to work, Pip.  
  
  
[HELM'S DEEP - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]  
  
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI are on the parapet of the wall killing orcs)  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
Thirty eight!  
  
GIMLI  
  
Thirty seven!  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Hey guys, do you really think keeping track of your body counts is an  
appropriate message to send to the kids?  
  
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI stare at each other momentarily)  
  
GIMLI  
  
Thirty eight! Now we are tied!  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
Thirty nine! I'm better than you!  
  
HAMA  
  
The orcs have breached the wall! I die...  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Everyone hide!  
  
  
[HELM'S DEEP - DAWN - INSIDE]  
  
THEODEN  
  
I'm tired of waiting! I will not sit here like a badger in a... thing  
you put badgers in! I'm going out there!  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Aw jeez. Come on people, I guess we have to go with him.  
  
THEODEN  
  
See! The orcs run! Into that forest that wasn't there yesterday...  
  
ARAGORN  
  
The trees appear to be eating the orcs.  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
And what a strange and gruesome picture it is.  
  
GIMLI  
  
It certainly gives one an appetite.  
  
(everyone stares at GIMLI)  
  
  
[ISENGARD - DAY - OUTSIDE]  
  
(MERRY and PIPPIN are dancing. bouncing chaotically is more like it)  
  
MERRY and PIPPIN  
  
(singing) The faggots are reeking! Hurrah! Hurrah!  
  
(GANDALF, THEODEN, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, EOMER and several ROHIRRIM  
ride up)  
  
GANDALF  
  
What are you two doing?  
  
PIPPIN  
  
(grinning broadly) We have no idea.  
  
GANDALF  
  
(surveying the damage) I see. And what has happened here?  
  
MERRY  
  
The trees! The big scary trees! They came to life, er, no, they were  
alive, and they still are, but they came here, and they brought us  
with them, and then they tore everything to pieces. You don't want to  
make the trees mad, oh no. The eyes, the eyes...  
  
GANDALF  
  
I know that smell, Meriadoc.  
  
MERRY  
  
Huh? Oh, yeah. It seems Sarooman had a private stash, ya know? Want  
some?  
  
GANDALF  
  
Perhaps later. For the moment, I have a pressing engagement with  
Saruman. Come!  
  
PIPPIN  
  
(watching the riders leave) Whatever. Hey, didn't he die?  
  
MERRY  
  
Come on. We'd better follow them so you can pick up the palantir.  
  
  
[ORTHANC - DAY - OUTSIDE - FLOODED]  
  
(SARUMAN appears on the balcony)  
  
SARUMAN  
  
Get off of my property, you damn kids! Look what you've done to my  
lawn!  
  
GANDALF  
  
Saruman! I strip you of your rank as head of the Order! I am now the  
White!  
  
SARUMAN  
  
Oh yeah smartass? I'd like to see you-  
  
GRIMA  
  
(from inside) I... can't... take it anymore!  
  
(he pushes SARUMAN off of the balcony, impaling him on the RSWD)  
  
(SARUMAN'S palantir rolls out of his hand to PIPPIN'S feet, who picks  
it up)  
  
PIPPIN  
  
Ooo... pretty!  
  
GANDALF  
  
Give me that you insufferable dolt!  
  
PIPPIN  
  
How come you didn't stay dead?  
  
GANDALF  
  
Come! We return to Rohan!  
  
GIMLI  
  
Back and forth, back and forth. All this riding is not good for a  
dwarf's hemorrhoids.  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
You sit behind me this time, Gimli.  
  
PIPPIN  
  
No really, I want to know. Why isn't he still dead?  
  
  
[THE MORANNON - DAY - OUTSIDE]  
  
FRODO  
  
Look Sam, the front gate of Mordor, the Morannon.  
  
GOLLUM  
  
And on and on...  
  
SAM  
  
Please Frodo, let me kill that Smeagol.  
  
GOLLUM  
  
Calls us Gol- hrrr... Cruel tricksy masters... Fisssh... nice fisssh...  
  
  
[CAMPSITE ON PLAINS OF ROHAN - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]  
  
PIPPIN  
  
I'm stealing that palantir.  
  
MERRY  
  
Are you actually growing more stupid as time passes? Do whatever you  
want, just leave me out of it. I'm going to bed.  
  
(PIPPIN tickles the sleeping GANDALF'S nose with a feather. GANDALF  
swats his nose in his sleep and PIPPIN replaces the palantir with a  
rock. PIPPIN runs a safe distance away then looks deeply into the  
seeing stone)  
  
EYE OF SAURON  
  
EYE SEE YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE!  
  
PIPPIN  
  
Yoink!  
  
(PIPPIN drops the stone then falls stiffly backwards, comatose)  
  
MERRY  
  
Pippin! Pippin! Are you all right?  
  
(GANDALF approaches, smirking)  
  
GANDALF  
  
What a simpleton. Well, I suppose I had better see that this does not  
happen again.  
  
(ARAGORN approaches)  
  
ARAGORN  
  
What happened? I heard a shriek!  
  
GANDALF  
  
(hands the palantir to ARAGORN)  
  
Here, you keep this. I'm going to take this delinquent to Minas Tirith.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Wonderful! Can I help you pack?  
  
(ARWEN rides up with several ELVES)  
  
ARWEN  
  
Hi sweetie! Ohmigod, dad totally flipped when I told him I was giving  
up my immortality for you. He said the only way he'd allow that was  
if you were the king of Gondor. I don't think he was really serious,  
but I took him up on it and had Narsil reforged for you so you could  
go reclaim the throne. You WILL be king for me, right sweetie?  
  
ARAGORN  
  
(trying to smile) Oh, uh, yeah, great.  
  
ARWEN  
  
And I'm also supposed to "remind" you about the Paths of the Dead.  
  
(ARAGORN visibly sags)  
  
ARAGORN  
  
I have to do THAT, too?  
  
ARWEN  
  
Well of course, silly! How else are you going to be king? Here's your  
sword and a nice banner I sewed for you all by myself which I'm sure  
will be very special to you and dear to your heart always.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Well, in the tradition of things having far too many names, I rename  
this sword Anduril. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go lie down and  
try not to kill myself.  
  
  
[ITHILIEN FOREST - DAY - OUTSIDE]  
  
(FRODO is asleep. GOLLUM is making various incoherent threatening  
grunts and hoots at SAM)  
  
SAM  
  
Why do you always have to be so weird? Be a dear and go find us some  
food, why don't you?  
  
GOLLUM  
  
(hisses violently)  
  
Oh, yes my preciousss, yesss... we goes... we goes...  
  
(crawls away muttering and snickering to himself, casting suspicious  
glances over his shoulder)  
  
SAM  
  
Crazy bugger. Don't know why we have to bring him along.  
(mocking) "Wanna come with? I've got the ring."  
  
(he continues to mutter to himself as several menacing figures emerge  
from the gloom)  
  
SAM  
  
Uh oh. Wake up, Frodo! We've got visitors.  
  
FARAMIR  
  
Ho there you silly little men! What are you doing in my forest?  
  
FRODO  
  
We, uh, we were... gathering herbs, right Sam?  
  
SAM  
  
Oh, yes, Ithilien's the only place to go this time of year for mugwump  
and, er, grickleberry.  
  
FARAMIR  
  
You boys had better come with me. Men, blindfold them!  
  
  
[DUNHARROW - EARLY MORNING - INSIDE]  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Oh, this is so stupid.  
  
(he looks into the palantir)  
  
EYE OF SAURON  
  
EYE SEE YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE!  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Er, hello, yes. Just to let you know, I'm reclaiming the throne of  
Gondor, and I'm coming to kick-  
  
(SAURON begins to chuckle)  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Hey, I'm not kidding! I've got the blade that cut off your finger  
here. They fixed it for me.  
  
(SAURON begins laughing outright)  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Fine, then. I'm out of here. You'd just better watch your back, is all  
I'm saying.  
  
SAURON  
  
WAIT! DON'T GO! TELL ME MORE! OHO! OHO! THIS IS PRICELESS!  
  
(ARAGORN puts the palantir down)  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
So how did it go?  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Oh. It went well. He's really shaking. Well, it's time to ride the  
Paths of the Dead.  
  
GIMLI  
  
And those would be exactly...  
  
ARAGORN  
  
A tunnel through the mountain, inhabited by the ghosts of a long dead  
army. No living thing has ever returned from those caves once the  
spirits moved in.  
  
GIMLI  
  
Then why would we go there? And how do you know what's there if no  
one's ever come back?  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Well, technically, that army owes my family a favour. I'm going to  
collect on that debt.  
  
GIMLI  
  
And are ghosts known for their good credit?  
  
ARAGORN  
  
Stop asking so many questions. You're giving me a headache. Let's go.  
  
  
[HENNETH ANNUN - DAY - INSIDE]  
  
FARAMIR  
  
So you see! Even if your lies had not been so transparent I still  
would easily have been able to deduce that you had been travelling  
with my brother, Boromir  
  
(FRODO begins to look apprehensive)  
  
and that you carry the One Ring  
  
(FRODO is getting panicky and steps backward)  
  
and that my brother, sadly, is dead.  
  
(FRODO stops, stunned)  
  
FRODO  
  
Dead?  
  
FARAMIR  
  
Yes, didn't you know? No matter, you need not fear that I shall try to  
take the ring as he did.  
  
FRODO  
  
How the hell do you know all of this?  
  
FARAMIR  
  
(taps his finger on the side of his nose)  
  
I read the script. Well, I don't see any reason to keep you here any  
longer. You can go on your way. Oh, and take your slimy little friend  
with you, he's fouling up our pool.  
  
SAM  
  
I haven't been near your pool!  
  
FRODO  
  
He means Gollum, Sam.  
  
  
[PATHS OF THE DEAD - SPOOKY - INSIDE]  
  
GIMLI  
  
Aragorn, how much further do you suppose it is to the exit? I do not  
like this place...  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
Ha! Who'd have thought it? A dwarf frightened of a cave!  
  
GIMLI  
  
If I weren't scared pantless right now I'd make you eat those words...  
  
(a ghostly form looms out of the gloom near LEGOLAS)  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
Boo!  
  
(the ghost drifts away. LEGOLAS laughs heartily)  
  
LEGOLAS  
  
(to GIMLI) Chicken.  
  
ARAGORN  
  
You can relax, Gimli. The exit is just ahead.  
  
(the company exits into the night followed by a silent spectral army)  
  
  
[MINAS TIRITH - DAWN - OUTSIDE]  
  
(GANDALF and PIPPIN approach the city on SHADOWFAX)  
  
GANDALF  
  
Here we are, Pippin, Minas Tirith.  
  
PIPPIN  
  
So we're safe then?  
  
GANDALF  
  
Hardly! Any day now Sauron's forces will come swarming over the river.  
  
PIPPIN  
  
And the dangerous part is...?  
  
GANDALF  
  
(to himself) Why didn't I send someone else to take him?  
  
PIPPIN  
  
By the way, why _aren't_ you dead?  
  
  
[DUNHARROW - VERY CLOUDY DAY - INSIDE]  
  
MERRY  
  
Everyone left without me. I feel so useless.  
  
THEODEN  
  
You _are_ a clever little thing! How would you like to be a  
Rider of Rohan?  
  
MERRY  
  
Are meals included?  
  
THEODEN  
  
But of course!  
  
MERRY  
  
All right, I'm in.  
  
THEODEN  
  
Prepare yourselves men, for tomorrow we ride to war!  
  
MERRY  
  
Oh that's right, there's fighting involved. Well, one can always hope  
for a quick death.  
  
EOWYN  
  
(to MERRY) psst. How do you like my clever disguise?  
  
MERRY  
  
You do have some issues, don't you.  
  
  
[MORGUL VALE - CLOUDY NIGHT - OUTSIDE]  
  
FRODO  
  
Boy, look at the size of that army leaving Minas Morgul. I'd sure hate  
to be on the receiving end of that.  
  
SAM  
  
And I don't like the look of those clouds that have been pouring over  
the mountains these last few days.  
  
FRODO  
  
Still, we must go on. Where did you say this secret entrance was,  
Gollum?  
  
GOLLUM  
  
Calls- never minds. Rights here its is. In this pitch black webs  
covered hole. But nice masters musn't worry, no, nothing inside.  
  
FRODO  
  
Right then. Come along Sam. Are you coming Gollum?  
  
GOLLUM  
  
Nooo... we'll just waits outside and picks our precious off of your  
corpses later. mmm... Tasty corpseses...  
  
FRODO  
  
Very well. Goodbye then Gollum. You've been a great help.  
  
  
[SHELOB'S LAIR - PERPETUAL DARKNESS - INSIDE]  
  
SAM  
  
Sure is dark in here. Wish we had some light.  
  
GALADRIEL (V.O.)  
  
Let it be a light for you in dark places.  
  
FRODO  
  
Of course.  
  
(FRODO brings out the phial, which begins to glow)  
  
SAM  
  
A phial. What makes it glow so?  
  
FRODO  
  
Earendil.  
  
SAM  
  
If you say so.  
  
(FRODO and SAM continue down the tunnel. In the shadows behind them  
we see SHELOB)  
  
END  
  



End file.
